Birthday

My birthday was beautiful. S and I went to Sasha's in Clayton, the site of our first date. He gave me the ring security system and doorbell (always good in this day and age), and then we went to the symphony for their Chinese New Year special performance.

It's sad to think about getting older when C -- my Min -- will never age. As I grow older and grayer each year, he will remain forever the petite young man in my mind, optimistic to the point of naïveté at times, handsome and funny and fiery as ever. When he died, I felt so conflicted: I wanted to move on immediately so that his death would not ruin or define my life. I made some pretty bad decisions as a result of that inclination. However, I also dreaded the idea of moving on: the idea that one day I would be an old woman, and he would just be some guy I knew when I was younger. No, he could never be that insignificant -- I didn't want that either. I can't say I've resolved this completely, but I guess there is more of an acceptance now. I loved him dearly, if not romantically, and he was a huge part of my life. He left, and I'm forced to live a life without him. I intend to live that life well.