This week I’ve had a special guest: O, Min's college roommate/friend, visited me from Seattle. There is something rather meaningful about connecting with someone who loved the same person as you. We talked at length about how much we loved our Min, the funny things he would do and say, and (on a more somber note), the things we wished we had done to intervene.
It's interesting: right after the suicide, I think everyone was in such disbelief -- we couldn't understand WHY he did it, or what drove him to it. Everything seemed... fine? A year and half later, it seems completely obvious why our wonderful Min ended his life -- his desire for perfection and the high standards he'd set for himself, the loss of his grandfather, his loneliness that night, his lack of sleep, his overwork, his drinking, and his fear of letting everyone down. Oh, the guilt that comes with that. Apologies will never be enough, but O also gently reminded me that none of us had ever dealt with a situation like that before -- it never even crossed my mind, and thus we did not know to intervene. As frustrating as it is, we must forgive ourselves for not knowing what we did not know.
On a lighter note, O bought Nigerian food from an unassuming takeout place in North County. I was not enthusiastic when he announced the plan, but politely agreed b/c he claimed it would be rude to deny a Nigerian the ability to host. The food turned out to be amazing! The plantain was the best I’ve ever eaten, and the salty, tomato-flavored rice with tofu was delicious. It was also good to see A socialize -- ever cautious, he hadn't really gone out since the pandemic. I could see the visibly change in his mood during O's visit.
We concluded his trip with a visit to the St. Louis Art Museum and Clementine's ice cream. O gifted me a figurine as well as a book on the beautiful exhibit of historical Africa that we toured. This morning, I felt a wave of sad de ja vu while I drove him to the airport. How many times I had driven Min to that same airport, always with the expectation of return. We cannot turn back the past, but I am ever grateful for the friendships of today. If there is one thing I've gained from the terrible loss of my Min, it is the friendship of his good friend O.